Feeling grateful and blessed

I got a random question from Instagram: How to become a great person? maybe this is an easy question, but after thinking about it, it turns out to be a bit difficult to answer. After thinking about it for a long time, my answer might be something like this, “I’m working on that myself! There’s no definition of being a great person. Everyone has different morals and povs. What I do is I just be the person I feel like being at this moment and if I make a mistake, then I learn from it and try not to repeat it, and eventually I'll be happy with the person that I was in this life." also, in my opinion, another thing that can be done to become a great person is to always be grateful. Oops, is this too deep?

Sejak awal pandemi, sekitar Maret 2020, tuh gue gatau disentil apaan jadi sadar banget that I blessed with all the things I have now. Everything is enough. I won’t ask for more. Mau ngeliat temen-temen udah pada jauh di atas gue pun, gue udah di tahap, “I’m genuinely happy for them!” liat teman-teman yang masih cari validasi sana-sini, gue ga lagi ngedumel dalam hati dan mikir, “yaudah terserah kalian mau ngapain, hidup-hidup kalian, gue ga punya hak untuk judge kalian.” and maybe that’s the reason why gue akhir-akhir ini hidup tenang dan bahagia aja gitu, karena udah “It’s enough”. I have enough. Now just live!

Bahkan akhir-akhir ini ketika hangout, temen-temen gue bilang “Deb, lo keliatan happy banget keknya?” atau “Deb, lo akhir-akhir ini cantik banget?” (ini seriusan teman gue bilang kalimat tersebut ke gue). Gue ga bohong atau melebih-lebihkan. Gue senyum aja ketika dengar kalimat-kalimat itu. Sebenernya tanpa mereka bilang kek gitu pun gue sadar penuh kalo gue tuh cantik and I have a lot of charms hahaha😁. Agak kaget juga sebenernya sampe kepikiran “hah! masa iya sih?”. Karena ga ada hal-hal yang ‘wah’ banget terjadi di kehidupan gue akhir-akhir ini. Gue juga ga melakukan perawatan ekstra ke diri gue untuk jadi lebih cantik atau apapun. Tetapi, setelah diskusi sama salah satu teman tentang pernyataan-pernyataan tersebut, teman gue sependapat, bahkan nambahin, “kalo gue liat, makin ke sini lo lebih tenang.” Setelah dengar pernyataan tersebut, gue diem sejenak “dulu emang gue bar-bar banget ya?” walaupun pada akhirnya gue setuju dan bisa menemukan alasan kenapa akhir-akhir ini teman gue ngeluarin pernyataan seperti di atas.

Dulu jaman kuliah sekitar 2016-2017 tuh dikit-dikit gue ngerasa kurang. Kurang pinter, kurang baik, kurang cantik, kurang tinggi, kurang kaya, kurang ajar (ini bercanda seriusan), dll. Mau ini, mau itu, selalu mau lebih dan jadinya hidup penuh tekanan dan ngerasa kurang terus. Akhirnya jadi stres, iri ngeliat orang ini itu, dll. Ngelakuin sesuatu yang bahkan gue ga tau gunanya buat apa, buang-buang waktu dan tenaga, dan akhirnya gue melihat sekitar gue dengan pandangan negatif. Little did I know I was the one feeling unhappy thus full of hatred. Gak sehat banget, kan? but now everything has changed, entah karena faktor umur, faktor berhadapan sama orang banyak, faktor dari tantangan atau  masalah yang datang ketika kerja, faktor banyak baca buku, atau karena faktor gue nge-stan idol K-Pop yang selalu ngasih kalimat-kalimat manis penuh motivasi dan gombal tentunya, entahlah. Gue ga lagi terlalu ambil pusing pandangan negatif orang lain ke diri gue dan merasa cemas atau khawatir. I’ve been trying to not hate myself for the anxiety that I feel and just accept it and learn how to cope with it. Kalo ada yang kritik perilaku atau sifat gue yang buruk, gue menerima dengan lapang dada dan berusaha sebaik mungkin untuk berubah ke arah yang lebih baik lagi. Kalo ada orang yang ga suka sama gue, gue juga ga terlalu mikirin. Karena menurut gue, “not everyone likes me, but that’s okay!” gue ga bisa maksa mereka yang ga suka atau benci untuk suka sama gue. Like for what? Such a waste of time. Recently, I have realized that doing stuff that I like also helps a lot with calming myself down like taking walks, reading, cooking, etc. Dan hal-hal tersebut bikin gue bersyukur. Gue ngerasa bersyukur banget gue bisa hidup. Hingga saat ini. Hingga tulisan ini gue buat dan gue upload. So, I’ll just enjoy the rest of my life with what I have now. I am blessed. And I feel so grateful for that! Umur ga ada yang tau so I’ll live with my life contently.

These few years I have met new people and experienced new things. Orang yang datang dan pergi di kehidupan gue kalo di total ratusan bahkan mungkin ribuan orang. Mulai dari orang yang sekedar pernah kenal, pernah ketemu, pernah hangout bareng, sampe orang yang bener-bener pernah deket, orang yang pernah ngabisin waktu bertahun-tahun bareng gue pun. Well, people come and go, some are meant to stay in your life but some are meant to stay in your heart. They left either good or bad memories, and that’s okay. Sometimes I wonder if they’re doing okay, and I hope they do. I do want to say thanks for being part of my life!

Gue juga ga lupa dan akan selalu ingat untuk bilang makasih sama idol yang gue suka, entah EXO Sehun, Super Junior Donghae, NCT Mark, NCT Jaemin, Seventeen Mingyu, dll. Secara ga langsung mereka udah nyelametin gue dan ngasih motivasi untuk terus hidup sampai di titik mau bikin novel (walaupun sebenernya akan lebih baik kalo gue bisa publish novel, cuma karena banyak hal ini itu yang harus dilakuin dan diprioritasin jadi yaaa gitu. Dan karena faktor mager juga. Hmm.. yodahlah ini skip aja). Kalo kata Stray Kids Felix di salah satu interview, “You may think that we’re the reason why you’re alive, and maybe we are now, but you have to know there’s something else out there that can be the reason why you’re still alive. And it’s not me. Not because of me.” walaupun gue ga terlalu into Stray Kids dan gue ga begitu kenal sama Felix tapi saat itu pernyataan dari dia bikin gue mikir, “hmm benar juga, tapi kira-kira apa ya alasan yang tepat?” karena ga kebayang bgt. Setelah dipikir-pikir ternyata bener. Ada! Gue merasa hidup ini menyenangkan, gue banyak ngelakuin hal-hal yang mau gue lakuin, gue lebih punya banyak teman, gue pergi ke tempat-tempat yang selama ini belum gue kunjungi, punya plan ini itu untuk kedepannya, dll. Semua alasan-alasan datang satu persatu. So yeah, Felix was right!

Well, I know it’s not going to be easy next year, but I hope that I can gather some strength to continue, embrace, and enjoy life, not run from it. I’ll just keep walking through at my own pace. Feel that I don’t need to rush or feel rushed. Whatever I am going through is (I believe) happening for a reason. I know it can be hard but eventually I'll get to my happy place and when I do, I’ll be so glad that I made it through. I have not lived my best days yet but I’m sure they will come. Meanwhile I will enjoy the little things like skies, walks, foods, and books. I know it’s hard to be patient but I got this is just a part of the process. And I won’t let it pull me down! I'm sure I can cope with everything, and the people I love will always be there for me. Because, true people will always stay, in the worst and best times. Those people are the ones I value more than anything in this world.

And for those who want more in your life, it’s completely okay! It’s good to have goals, jadi semangat hidup karena ada tujuan; it’s good selama ga bikin diri sendiri down atau penuh tekanan! Please know that you’re enough and you’re doing good. You’ll be okay, you’ll get there! I also sincerely hope that everyone can get to this point where you find your inner peace, and unconditional love for yourself. Never forget to be grateful and think that we are always blessed. In 2022, please stay healthy and happy! Eat a lot of good foods. I wish all of us continued happiness. Instead of a major change, I think it’ll be more than enough! I wish that all of you (and me) will do everything we want to do!

Remember, we’re all great people in our life!

P. S.: I would love to share with you guys what I got and did on my wish list for 2021 that I wrote at the end of 2020. Yeeeeayyyyy!!!! If you haven't read it yet, please read it Living life in the moment; dream your own dreams, achieve your own goals, and stay healthy! I ticked the list number 1-6. Such a good achievement, right? Of course I won't leave 2021 without writing down my hopes and the things I want to achieve in 2022.

I’ll write it again here as my goals in 2021. Wishlist-nya ga beda jauh sama tahun-tahun sebelumnya.

1. Prioritize healthy and my own happiness👑

2. Relax! I need to control my emotion~

3. Exercise and take walk

4. Read more books, upgrade myself

5. Get a new job

6. Earn a lot of money and eat good foods!

7. Buy the things that you want! just don't be too extravagant and remember your limits

8. Study English, harder please!

9. I hope things get better in the world so I can travel to places I've never been.

10. always be grateful in any situation

Xoxo

Deb:)