What I learned in 2022 so far

When I was 18, I just wanted to be 22 karena gue pikir keren seperti yang diceritain Taylor Swift di lagunya yang berjudul “22”. Ternyata emang tidak seindah yang dinyanyikan Taylor. I thought the 20’s were the happy season and I thought I knew what 20-something me would wrangle from life. Of course, I was dead wrong. I now know that I’m clueless about what my future self is capable of. Tapi satu hal yang patut gue syukuri karena ga nyangka bisa menginjak umur di atas 25 (umur sebenarnya tetap dirahasiakan hahaha) dan sehat wal’afiat. Alhamdulillah!

Akhir-akhir ini gue lebih sering memikirkan hal ga berguna yang udah gue lakukan sepanjang tahun ini. Iya bener, kalian ga salah baca kok. “Hal ga berguna”. GA BERGUNA! Bentar mau ketawa dulu wkwkwkwk. Gue punya alasan tersendiri kenapa mikirin hal itu. Alasannya yaitu karena gue mau tau hal berguna apa aja yang gue lakuin, secara terus menerus atau ga, yang mungkin berefek sama kepribadian atau mungkin juga ke pemikiran atau mental gue.

Satu hal ga berguna yang gue sadar sejauh ini adalah gue kadang masih jadi tipe manusia yang people-pleaser. Untuk orang kek gue yang kadang masih sering ga enakan sama orang ini berpengaruh banget. Apalagi kalo ada yang minta tolong ngelakuin sesuatu. Satu sisi mau nolong, tapi di satu sisi ngerasa “ntar dulu ya, gue juga lagi ribet”. Walaupun udah belajar untuk saying no sedari kuliah, tapi jiwa Indonesia tulen gue yang ga enakan kadang datang. Sebenernya alsana kalo gue “Indonesia bgt” ga bisa dijadikan alasan. Gatau deh. Gue mungkin cuma mencari- cari alasan aja.

Hal tersebut ga sering terjadi sih, hanya di waktu tertentu gue lakuin. Well, it’s nice to make someone feel good. Even if that thing makes me very uncomfortable at times. Even if that thing puts a lot of pressure on me. Even if that thing is very stressful. Sometimes it’s just nice to make someone feel good. Aduh gimana ini? gue jadi bingung sendiri. Gue senang tapi rasanya jadi lelah, keberatan, dan jadi stres sendiri. Hal tersebut yang kadang bikin gue jadi self-doubt sama keputusan yang akan gue ambil karena khawatir ga cocok, bukan untuk diri gue, tapi untuk orang lain.

Pemikiran tersebut yang selalu terngiang di benak gue. Gue merasa terjebak. Untungnya, ga butuh waktu lama untuk sadar kalo pemikiran tersebut ga baik buat diri gue sendiri dan gue mulai memikirkan cara gimana bisa keluar dari rutinitas yang ga sehat itu. Gue baca beberapa buku untuk nemuin jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang selama ini ada di otak gue. Buku banyak membantu. But, I have to admit that some good opinions from close friends really helped me in dealing with all the things that I faced.

Serius deh, punya teman yang bisa diajak berbagi cerita suka dan duka, ga segen untuk curhat juga, apapun reaksi mereka, serius atau bercanda, itu beneran suatu kenikmatan. Beneran seperti rezeki tersendiri yang diatur Tuhan buat diri kita. Poin apa yang ditanam, itu yang diterima beneran berlaku dalam hidup gue. 너희들 만났던 건 참 행운이야 나 착하게 살아서 그래! Kalo kata Mark Lee, “Have good friends around you. Have good peers. Surround yourself with good people. ‘Cause you’re a good people, too!” I’m literally so head over heels for Mark. He is one of the most genuine and kind boys and makes people’s day better with his words. Gue merasa bersyukur karena gue dikelilingi sama orang-orang baik a.k.a teman-teman gue dan gue jadi yakin kalo gue adalah salah satu orang baik itu.

Gue jadi bersyukur dulu gue rajin belajar dan punya keluarga yang support jadi gue bisa sekolah dan belajar banyak hal. Not only the knowledge and experience I gained while studying at the university. It’s not even about the school, really. Not the building, anyway. Those last four years, if we lived them right, are about growing up, about learning to battle, about trying our best and still failing, about picking ourselves up over and over again. Those years were picking each other up.

I did learn about friendship. The type of friends that show up when you need them the most. That text you and call you when you don’t want to talk. That show up and keep showing up, day in and day out, every week, every semester, again and again. The type of friendship that doesn’t end with graduation. The type of friendship, like the very best type of love, that never ends. Something that I believe in more and make me love them and  will cherish it for the rest of my life.

Ga hanya teman saat sekolah, tapi juga teman rumah, teman kos, teman yang kenal dari tempat lain, event atau program yang gue ikutin. Teman-teman foreigners juga! I love every conversation exchange we did! Sayang banget sama kalian semua. Maybe it sounds lame but I always say thank you to all of them. I really thought that saying Thank You is the simplest, most elegant way of telling people that I am appreciated for what they are and what they do. I can never repay all the good things that people do to me. In spite of how small or big the help or favor I have got, expressing my gratitude is always important! Besides, it doesn’t cost anything.

Walaupun, seperti yang gue pernah bilang sebelumnya, people come and go. Begitu pun gue dan teman-teman gue juga tentunya. Gue menerima dan menghargai setiap keputusan yang mereka buat. Thus, I learned to appreciate the memories I had with my friends while it lasted, I learned to be happy for people even when I wasn't a part of their life anymore, and I learned to focus on the many healthy relationships I do have. And one more thing, I learned to focus on myself.

I am ready to clear everything and everyone out of my life if necessary. I am ready to focus solely on myself.

Xoxo

Deb:)